And Take Her Name

Why identity in marriage matters

Feminism insists on equality between the sexes. But are marriages within the system of patriarchy truly equal? Modern Matriarchy says no: you cannot solve the problem of equality in marriage until you first address the question of identity in marriage, and this means taking her name.

             In a traditional patriarchal marriage, a woman takes the man’s last name, and the second that happens, her identity begins to slip away. She’s the one who has to change her driver’s license, her legal documents, and loses her name – her brand, if you will – that she built throughout her life.

             Yes, some couples choose hyphenated names, or the woman uses her old name as her middle name, but does that truly solve the equality problem?

             For some people, it does. But let’s consider what damage what the complete, or even partial, erasure of a woman’s name does to society as a whole, and to the cause of establishing true equality and identity for women.

             Her new name, her husband’s name, defines her identity now. Her old name ceases to exist. She is now her husband’s wife. His. Almost his property. Her name is now referenced by his name.

             The same with the kids. They are “his.” His wife, his kids, his family.

The reason the practice of women taking his name has existed for so long, and no one has stopped to question it, is for one very lame reason: “This is what we’ve always done.”         

And this is as far as the discussion goes. Society – your immediate friends, family, and co-workers -assume no matter how feminist you are, you’ll want to accept the status quo.

             And yet people wonder why society never changes: because making change takes leadership. Someone has to make the first move. “A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step” and all that.

             His taking her name IS the first move to a more just and equal society. Symbols matter.

             But what about his identity?

             Why should the woman’s name be on a marriage and not his?

             Because society has evolved, and it’s the right thing to do. In the last 100 years, society has corrected many injustices, yet we have not satisfactorily resolved the identity of women in a marriage.

             A hundred years ago, if a woman wanted a family, she was dependent upon a man to provide an income. This was true then, but not necessarily today.

             So now what is the incentive for women to marry? Currently, 40% of the households in the U.S. are headed by a woman. Marriage – and the birth rate – is at historic lows.

             And this is why drastic changes are needed: the reasons for women to marry and choose to start a family with a man are becoming fewer and fewer.   

Keeping a woman’s identity intact – putting her name on the family, not yours – is a great way to start a marriage.

In fact, in the very near future, a man not demanding that his wife lose her identity in marriage might be the difference between his having a family or not. The birthrate globally is in steep decline. Women are opting out.

             Men will have to give up their identities, and do so gladly. Especially in countries where there are far more available men than available women.

             And in the very near future, more women will request to remarry their partners and reclaim their old identities, and start a new chapter in their lives. There will be an “M” for Matriarchy in LGBTQIAM+. (LGBTQ isn’t just for gay people anymore; change requires all of us.)

             Women can have any kind of society they want, but they will have to lead to get society to that point. And it all starts with taking her name.

ModernMatriarchy.org